Back-dated, published, unexpressed feelings

There have been several times of my life where happiness was totally out of sight. I feel unsatisfied at certain things and I am always feeling unhappy. There were few things that really made me upset lately. It’s a mixture of various feelings like disappointment, ridiculous thoughts, anger, sadness and many more. Hence, I am always lying on my bed staring at the ceiling or sitting with my chin in my hands staring blankly at an object or at the table when I am alone or when I got nothing to do. Been trying to weigh some decisions with the scale in my mind but it came out to be nothing. Somehow I recognize this feeling, it is loneliness. I feel helpless. But I realize that, of all the people, I have no right to feel lonely at all. I get so much love from GOD, my friends and my family. I should be grateful for what I have now. But at the same time, I just want people to understand me more. Just try to listen to me, try to speak my language, try to be in my shoe, try to console me, stop giving me solutions which will not work when anger is at my edge, stop blaming at me when it is not my fault, or perhaps stop calling me names. That would be the very best gift of all. This is all so unfair. It’s so unfair to me.

Sometimes, I do wish for distractions. I wish for familiar friends or even people who I get to see everyday, will just walk past and tap me on the shoulder. I will be surprised for sure and we can smile and hug, so that I can be truly happy, even if it’s just for a few seconds. other times I wish for the bond I lost; something which you don’t have to say anything but the other person knows exactly what is wrong and eventually can work it out together to be friends again like nothing had happened yesterday and like there is no tomorrow because I can’t just come out and say what’s wrong or what I think we should do. I don’t know how to. Perhaps I have tried but I failed. Many times, I like to think I am in control of how I feel. But truly I know that I am not, like right now, I’m feeling unhappy. I like to think I don’t feel unhappy, and the truth is, I can’t. I am being vulnerable, just vulnerable. At times, I may look angry, look as if I don’t care, look unsatisfied, look unhappy but there is time when I silently cry myself to sleep with tears running free flow down my cheeks at night and when I have breakfast the next morning I draw sad smiley face in my ketchup or even when I am at work, of all the things I can scribble on a piece of recycle paper, I would very likely draw a sad smiley face instead of a happy smiley face.

Obviously for now the lucky star is very much ahead of me. I can’t get on a par with it. I am still chasing. Trying to catch up. I pretty much wish that it can walk side by side with me so that at least when things don’t turn out to be right I still have a bit of it’s luck to cheer me up in some other teeny weeny small matter. I wonder how long it needs to take for things to turn out right and just nice for me again. My patience and tolerance has almost come to its end. There were times when I keep quiet and I don’t want to bring up any matters at all. This does not mean that I am afraid or I do not know my right. It is just that I am yet to show my true color. I am still trying to be nice and tolerate with just everything I could. Of course, I also very well know that who is being nice to me. There are a few of them. I bet you know who you are. Almost ever ready and always in stand by condition to lent me their ears. I feel so touched and appreciated them sincerely. A real friend is the one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Very true indeed!