It is one of those nights that I feel so low and this leads to having great potential of producing a long winded blog entry again. I choose to blog because this is the place where I blog about my whine and ranting to my heart’s content without getting interrupted. I need to ventilate my feelings. Therefore, I like to write. Sometimes I blog about issues which are not meant to be written for public to view but I can’t be bothered. What I need is to speak up my mind. People who know me know about it otherwise not and I am not going to explain any further. Apart from my work laden weekdays, it is all about the past that makes me feel so low right now. I dislike this kind of feeling. It makes me moody.How I sometimes wish that we are just friends. At least when I spilt my sorrows or released my anger, you did not understand I could still forgive you whole-heartedly with the reason you knew nothing about my situation at all. But now I assume you are having half your foot in my shoe. I assume you understand a bit here and there. But to my disappointment, you are not. There is one thing that you always ask me to do whenever anger is at my edge or when I am feeling helpless. It really makes me feel pissed off. Make me wonder whether I am turning to the right person. I know I should not blame you for what so ever reason it is, after all you really don’t know much and you are just trying to be helpful by telling me what to do to solve the problem. But the sad truth is, it is not going to work and all I need is for you to listen to me and perhaps giving me some words of comfort.
Many moons ago, I did consider about that question already even before you asked me. I have been trying to take it as one of the options for my solution. But later, after you have asked me, I did reconsider about it again. Weighing the decision over and over again but the meter of the scale couldn’t give me the right reading yet. I am sure this makes you think that I am not bothered with your question. I wonder you still remember I did ask you a question one particular day, ‘mountain wants to adopt me?’ but seemed to me you didn’t get what I mean. So this matter considered being dumped into the deep blue sea without any chance of seeing a single ray again. You should ask me again after some times if you know me well that I am such an indecisive girl. Anyway, I am not crying over the spilt milk here. Please do not get me wrong because if you ask me again now, my answer is still ‘I don’t know’, honestly.
Talking about that issue with you again just now was like digging out the old painful past which I did not wish to recall again. Now, I feel exactly how I felt again that time. The disappointment and sadness caused a deep scar which could not be easily healed. It was like putting salts on the wound again that’s why the pain prolongs. Sometimes I feel that there is no word to describe my feelings anymore. It is either I am running out of words or I am running away from reality. I do not have the courage to be brave and confident anymore. In fact, I do not know what I should do. I really hope that GOD will make me a way soon and the sun will rise again soon. I have had enough of all these.
